sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I need a beard to bite.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
