I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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