she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My feet surprised me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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