i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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