drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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