Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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