hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize