I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
