Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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