if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
