is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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