dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
