hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize