My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
