all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
