Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I AM VODKA MAN
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
