Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
im six kinds of drunk right now
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
