Im at strip club and am horny
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
