Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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