i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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