Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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