I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
