That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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