My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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