Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize