how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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