So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
