Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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