we have pet lesbian snakes
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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