Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
His hands were made for my vagina.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
