she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize