Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
