Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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