Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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