So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
