I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
