went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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