My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
