Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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