I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
