I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He did a backflip because drugs
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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