My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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