I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Randomize
