he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize