you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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