so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
