seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
