In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize