I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize