I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
