dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
