I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize