It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
