At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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