so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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