I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
