I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just blew my weed a kiss
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
