If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
