I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just invented taco cereal.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize