I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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