I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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