Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
