I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
