i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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