Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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