you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
