Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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