I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Randomize
