Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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