Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
