I'm going to jail i love you
"it" just moved
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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